Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this!
My boyfriend and I have been in a loving relationship for about 2 years. We had many issues but we always worked through them together. Recently, around 3 months ago, his behavior shifted and he started acting really different towards me and because we are in a long distance relationship at the moment, i can‘t really tell if his behavior towards his friends has changed. Before this he was very loving but also very anxious, which is why his avoidant behavior is throwing me off. Of course I am happy that he is not as anxious anymore but him changing from one day to the other really worries me still. Now he is very nonchalant and uninterested. I talked to him about it and while it‘s gotten a little better, it‘s still miles away from how he used to be. Yesterday i asked him if anything is wrong and he told me that he is not content with where he is in his life financially and mentally. He told me that he feels numb and like he is not able to maintain personal relationships but that it has nothing to do with me and that there is nothing i can do.
Before this conversation we had many more and we even almost went on a break because of this. He asked me to wait a year for him but i said i couldn‘t because 1 year without contact or little contact really would destroy me mentally. We ended up not going on that break but we decided to just try to make it work somehow.
to put into perspective how different he is now : he doesn‘t respond anymore, he barely wants to spend time together, he does not ask to meet up anymore, (TMI!!) he does not ask for phone sex anymore.
I try so hard to accept that he just feels off and that it has nothing to do with me but something is bugging me and i can‘t let go of it. Right when this started he turned off his location right before he went to the club with his friends until 6 in the morning (i never asked for his location in the first place and never really checked. Only when we had an argument and didn‘t speak for a couple of hours), he deleted his Twitter account that we used to send each other stuff on a lot and he only had the account for me, he barely wants to interact with me and if he does he doesn‘t want to talk anymore, he only wants to watch TV Shows (the ones I like, he does not want to show me his shows anymore).
Another thing his, i get on the train and take 3 trains to him and usually he would insist on picking me up before getting on the third train, he does not do that anymore. He also used to insist on bringing me to that same station when i left again. Not only does he not do that anymore, the last two times he did do that he got rlly angry at me about the directions i gave him (I am very bad at telling my left from my right). He yelled at me twice and did not apologize.
The last time we were together i bought him a coffee and the whole time we were sitting he was on his phone. He also doesn‘t hold my hand anymore, he only does it if i hold his first.
I know i should not be making this about myself because he is struggling but he doesn‘t want my help and i am just left overthinking everything. It‘s gotten to the point, where i feel like i have to impress him to make him love me again.
Another important thing is that in the first year of our relationship i gained 10kgs in just a few months. I struggle from an eating disorder, he is aware, and i couldn‘t even go to the store, let alone get on a train and let him see me like that. After lots of fights and tears he agreed to wait for me. He waited 4 months for me. We did not see each other for that time. I am so grateful for that because i know he does love me a lot. I know he was never mad at me for that and i know that most men would not do that but he did. So i feel the need to wait for him too, my issue is just that i don‘t even really know if he loves me anymore.
He says he does and i trust him 100% (even with the location thing, i know he did not cheat on me but i can‘t explain to myself why else he would turn it off), i know he is struggling but i can‘t help but wonder if he just does not like me anymore.
Do you think waiting is a good idea or does it sound like he has fallen out of love? Also, has anyone have this happen to them before? How should i be acting?
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You can’t change the behaviour of other people - get rid that kind of thinking. It’s unrealistic, it’s insulting, and it’s arrogant.
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He told you where he stands (he feels unable to maintain relationships right now). It’s up to you to believe what he tells you is true.
If someone told you they can’t lift 100lbs, would you go through life acting as if they could?
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long distance is difficult, and given what you have told us, it may not be right for you at this time in your life.
It sounds like he should be seeking counseling if he isn’t already doing so. In my opinion, you haven’t been together long enough that you should feel like you really have to stick around and work through this when he’s not putting effort in. If you’d been together many years, I’d say get in couples counseling as well. Since you haven’t been together a really long time, it’s really up to you if you think the relationship is worth going through that work. You’re both very young. Not every relationship is worth going those extra miles to try and save at your age.
The early 20’s are always such a time of growth for a person. Weening themselves off the familiar living with family. From not really needing to do anything for existence other than show up to living on your own, fending for yourself, and realizing that making ends meet is a lot tougher than you thought it was going to be.
There are details missing (like which one of you long distanced) which could help add some context to the overall understanding… However, I can certainly speculate as to what’s happening with him.
He agreed to the year break as a compromise after telling you he wasn’t mentally capable of handling a relationship and to sort himself out a bit.
You said it was too much mentally for you to handle. You have (accidentally) backed him into a no win situation. He cares for you but really wanted/needed that time. He doesn’t want to straight call it off, which was why he asked for the break in the first place. After your response he’s not left with many options and for many people long distance relationships are very very tough.I can speculate that he’s distancing himself from you and acting less loving as a method of gently changing the way the relationship functions. If he can become just unpleasant enough that you agree to giving him that time, then he will have gotten what he wanted.after further details this no longer seems possible.He could also be partying a bit harder than expected in your absence and doing some things which more than just you would like to know his location (drugs).
He could be contacting ancient aliens, partaking in extremist religious ceremonies, playing Dnd while on dnd, driving out to the mountains and howling at the moon, planning your engagement and wedding, or pretty much anything else. Whatever he’s doing he is making a conscious choice to do it.
There is no good and easy way to diffuse this. I’m certain you cannot do it the way things currently are, and some random impartial third party would likely be best.
No matter what those answers are, they are likely going to hurt both of you to some extent.
thank you for your response!
I think i worded the break thing a little weirdly. I kept complaining about it and asked if he needed a break. He said no because according to him he does not need any space. After a while of more arguing about the same thing, he agreed to it. When i asked how long it would take for him to feel better he said that it could take a year. I said that i can‘t wait a year and if he needs space for a year, id rather break up. He then said no and we decided not to do it.
Yeah… That changes things a lot.
:-(
I mostly meant of my post… My first assumption is no longer feasible.
ALSO ADDING TO THIS : THE BREAK IDEA CAME FROM MY SIDE BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT HE NEEDED SPACE. HE DENIED NEEDING SPACE AND AGREED TO THE BREAK ONLY BECAUSE HE DID NOT WANT ME TO FEEL THE WAY I DO INTERACTING WITH HIM.
