Hi, I am (22M) in a long term relationship with (22F) that has been going on for 3 years as of now.
Around the start of the relationship (2-3 months in) I went to a party without her and got drunk. I did all kinds of things that would be considered “dealbreakers”. (Kissing multiple people, laying down with another girl during down time) We did not discuss things like that prior to the party. But after it, I felt extremely guilty, because I myself wouldn’t have approved of such things. So I told her almost all of it (and it was very painfull for us). Except the fact that I proposed in a separate room to engage in sexual stuff with a couple. They refused but I still did propose. (This feels very very wrong for me)
Now, after this, we rebuilt our relationship and until now it’s been going very very great. We are following the same studies and are pulling each others up. Celebrating successes together. Going on exchange trips together. Etc etc… She loves me from all her heart (her words) and I do too.
Except lately there’s been a little too much down time for the things filling my brain. As a result, that memory came back and now, I have a choice. Either I tell her, relationship takes a huge hit on trust and I cause her harm. Either I bite the bullet and live with this guilt but that may come back even strongly (she might notice it since it’s affecting me physically)
If you are suggesting the first option, how would you approach it? She seems to be living the dream with me right now so I want to make the landing soft enough for her.
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Wtf, just forget about it. What’s the point to bring this up now? Then what? A couple more years and you remember another little dirty detail from that night and put her through this all over again? You had your chance to be honest. Those are past waters now. Bringing this up again would just be a self serving way of using her to clear up your conscience.
Water under the bridge. There’s no point in telling, all you’d do is hurt her yet again, and potentially jeopardize everything.
Nothing happened after all, so put it down as a near miss and make sure that’s not happening again in the future. If you can’t handle alcohol, leave it be.
You need to learn how to forgive yourself first. Do you think a minor detail like that would have been something that would have convinced your partner to leave you? It sounds like you two worked everything out and built up that trust again. Bringing it up now only serves to clear your own conscience at the cost of opening up old wounds.
Look, you acknowledge that you made a mistake, you’ve atoned for the bad things that you’ve done and made amends with your partner, and you’ve found a blissful happiness. It’s time to let that baggage go and forget the past. It won’t be easy, but the first step is to realize that everybody is fallible and that sometimes we make mistakes and we can’t always rely on having our guilt absolved by another.
Own it. You already came clean. Move past it. You had your moment. Don’t revisit the same issue again. It’s overly dramatic for the relationship.
