I am beginning the process of divorce. There was no history of anything bad, just general lack of compatibility. We’ve been together 13 years, and at least the past 3-4 we’ve been shells of who we were.
Though we both care deeply, we both know we want to be loved differently.
Right now I’m still going between the depression/despair and some irrational nostalgic notion that maybe things could be the way I thought they were (in my mind I know that these are rose tinted memories)
How do former couples get along usually? I’m a child of divorce, where my Mom moved two states away and I went with her. My parents were cordial, I think.
My ex thinks that we should remain friends, but I think that will make the grieving process harder for me. I wonder if this desire to remain friends is a way for her to not fully have to let go. But if you want the milk, you buy the cow.
Should I be wary, or should I be grateful here? How do I protect myself from catching feelings some days and dragging my healing for to long
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I’ll be blunt, you have kids. Do what is best for the kids. That probably means having a friendly cordial and cooperative relationship with your co-parent. If that makes you feel bad, or takes longer for you to recover from the divorce, so be it. Kids come first. If you have to pretend to be happy for the kids sake, that’s what you should do
There’s no reason this has to be binary. You don’t have to choose between her being a makeovers and mimosas pal and being an enemy or a stranger. There’s a lot of space between those poles, and there’s no reason that you have to choose a static point on that continuum and stick with it forever.
Right now, you’re hurting and reestablishing boundaries and your sense of self. If she’s the friend she says she wants to be, she will respect that and give you space. After you’ve had some time to heal, maybe you can be more friendly, but for now she should accept your need to insulate a bit.
For me, the primary, immediate goals would be to a) heal and b) avoid making things worse for the kids.
I completely agree with this, especially the bit where if she’s the friend she wants to be she’ll give you space you need. Sometimes, setting a boundary can be revealing in that you can see how the other person will react.
OP I wish you and your family some emotional rest in this challenge you’re all going through. It’s hard, and it sucks.