hi every1 im new!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me ^_… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!! DOOOOOMMMM!!! <— me bein random again ^_ hehe…toodles!!!

love and waffles,

t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m

Malware

One word in German

Yeah that was my experience, crying myself to sleep as I could feel the testosterone poisoning my body. Not having the words to say what’s going on. Not knowing what would happen even if I could figure out what to say, but knowing it wouldn’t be good.

Little dream Amber was aspirational, though.

So she’s bi, and probably she/they agender.

On the sexuality side, she thinks that homosexuality is immoral because certain Bible verses seem to condemn it (she would word that much more strongly), so she’d be much happier if I was content to transition to he/they feminine man. I, on the other hand, would love to jump straight from hiding behind my he/him masc to living she/her full time, the transition itself and being visibly trans scares me.

On the gender side, she feels that her soul isn’t gendered, that she’d feel equally at home in a male body, and feels that if I’m a woman because I feel like a woman, she can’t be a woman because her genderless soul happened to be poured into a woman. I told her she’s allowed to be a woman for different reasons than I’m a woman, and she didn’t like that. I told her I would happily use they/them pronouns and had no issues perceiving her as genderless, but she didn’t want that, either.

So yeah we are cracking all this open and we pick up one tiny piece of this mess and chew on it and discuss it for like a week, decide we can’t agree, put it back down and try a different piece.

We are seeing a therapist next month, but Christian therapists who specialize in gender issues are really really rare, so it’s a one time consultation instead of someone we can go back to.

I just finished coming out this week to everyone who matters, personally and face to face, so I feel like I’m in a good place to go through this list

So to start I’d rate myself a 2 because of some internalized transphobia/homophobia from my conservative Christian upbringing.

My wife is a 3, she sees and loves the real me and is incredibly supportive up to a point and then not supportive at all. She’s taken me shopping and helped me pick a purse, takes time out of her busy life to help me with laser hair removal in places I can’t reach, is teaching me girl things like what to do with my long hair and painted nails… But then she won’t call me by my chosen name and pronouns. I haven’t asked her to, because she thinks she’d be lying to me. We are working on it, we’re going to make it work.

My siblings and parents (and in-laws) range from a 1 to a 5, from Bible thumping to complete affirmation.

My gay friends are all a 1, but they don’t understand that I’m still a Christian and hate that part of me.

I think “accepting as Trans/accepting as Christian” is the same scale, inverted. Those who accept my transness don’t accept my Christianity, and vice versa.

Trying to convince both sides of this culture war that reconciliation is possible and good and right, and that I, the Transbian Christian, should be allowed to exist in both camps at once… It’s exhausting. Why must existing itself be so hard.

I dream of a world in which this civil rights movement has been won, and people on both sides (and in the middle) look back at us today and say “what a bunch of bigots we all were”

When I was a kid my first puppy love crush was on a Sunday school teacher named Amber. And the name stuck with me. I met a second Amber in highschool and she was pure gender envy. I’ve used it online for my “pretend I’m a girl online” name many times, and if I had daughters instead of sons there’s a possibility one of them would have ended up with the name. But a couple people have started calling me Amber to my face and it’s the best thing ever.