I think the “oh, fuck, that was an invitation!” moment several minutes/hours after the fact is one of the most universal moments.
Years.
Lifetimes. Because I haven’t had it yet…
(ok maybe I would if I talked to women in the first place)
One time a girl invited me to sleep with her, and I looked at her filthy pillowcases and bullshitted my way into sleeping on her couch, after countering her insistence with the extreme option of “if you’re not gonna let me sleep on your couch, I’m going home.”
I thought she literally meant actual sleep, and what she wanted was sex.
I slept on her couch and she sobbed softly through a closed door.
I found out about a decade later, from a mutual friend, that girl had the biggest hots for me and was gonna stop at nothing to fuck me.
Well, she was stopped by my obliviousness.
I was ace and sex-repulsed even back then, so even if I had figured her out, I prolly would have had a small panic attack and tried to go home.
honestly if her pillowcases actually weren’t clean, that’s on her lol
Everyone knows you change the sheets and clean the bathroom if you’re having company.
or at least keep things remotely clean for yourself and in case you get unexpected company
I once lost interest in a girl because she said was into this new cartoon “South Park” which I thought was stupid despite never having watched it. Years later I actually watched it and realized it wasn’t stupid at all. Sometimes the real treasure was the utter stupidity you made along the way.
was gonna stop at nothing to fuck me
except for cleaning her pillow case, apparently, lol
Yup. The first one I remember is a concert where I went to see the opener and didn’t much care for the main act. While I was on the floor during the opening act, I was next to a girl who seemed similarly enthused about that band. We definitely both noticed each other fangirling over this relatively unknown opening act. Then, afterward, I bumped into her on the balcony while the main act was playing, and she’s like “these guys kinda suck right? I think I’m gonna head out and get a drink at $nearby_bar”. And I totally missed the hint.
why can’t they just add a “wanna join me” to make it more clear lol
Right? They are terrible at flirting.
When I was 19, a girl told me at a party that I was the coolest guy in school. I was just flattered by the compliment and when I told my girlfriend about it later she said “Yeah she was totally hitting on you”.
I was like “Nah! Her? No way!”
Years later, I randomly thought about it and went “oh my god, she was hitting on me!”
I know that this is a male pov but seriously that is also an L for the lady. Can’t be throwing hints and expect everyone to be Mr hint getter
Idk it’s not really a hint, that’s pretty direct. If I were her I’d assume I got rejected.
This is not direct at all though. Direct is “my shift is almost done, do you want to hang out later?”. Being direct means you do actually have to include saying what you want.
Yeah, even when you’re 99% sure the person is flirting with you, you gotta balance that with what might happen if you’re wrong.
Read the situation wrong and you could end up handcuffed on the sidewalk with pepper spray in your eyes.
Fuck that. If not being willing to take that risk means dying alone, I’ll choose the latter.
And what about from the woman’s perspective? Do you really want strange men making guesses about whether you’re flirting with them or not? Knowing exactly what could happen if the wrong guy gets the wrong idea and won’t take “no” for an answer?
I’m not trying to victim-blame or make excuses for anyone. But there’s nothing to win by playing these kinds of mind games, so what’s the fucking point?
What on earth are you talking about?
There’s nothing easier than just explicitly checking in whether you’ve read the signals correctly or not before making any creepy moves.
Tip #1 for flirting: Make sure that the other person has a very easy way out of anything they might not like. Then you know they’re enthusiastically consenting for whatever comes next.
Make sure that the other person has a very easy way out of anything they might not like. Then you know they’re enthusiastically consenting for whatever comes next.
Well yes, absolutely. Consent is paramount and enthusiastic consent is the best kind. Bad choice of hyperbole on my part, I’ll admit.
But even so, if you’re not conventionally attractive or charismatic, even just checking can result in getting treated like a creep. The people who constantly say “they worst they can say is no” have likely never gotten “eww, no” as a response before.
But if you have, especially more than once, you kinda just get used to assuming that’s the default answer. That’s kind of what I was getting at.
I’d rather just not have to guess.
Yup, I mostly just assume everyone except my wife doesn’t really want anything to do with me and that I’m probably a giant creep to everyone else, so I don’t make eye contact and I try my best to ignore hints lest I get them wrong.
The hilarious part of all this is that I’m asexual and sex-repulsed, and I’m one of the least creepy and perverted people on the planet, but try telling my subconscious that.
I even check in with my wife sometimes and ask her if she still loves me. She does.
One of the most common things in threads about missed signals is people with social skills assuming that everybody is equally capable in social situations
Or that their own experiences socially, translate to others.
Looks DO matter, more so than most will admit. It’s like being rich, they’ll tell you they got rich by being smart or hard working, but will be willfully ignorant of the inheritance or luck they got.
In the context of a conversation about people who come in just before closing it could also just be taken as a hint that he is one of those people.
Yeah, if I was smoother with women, I’d have probably gone with ‘is that you trying to make weekend plans, or telling me to gtfo?’ but in a casual way so she knows I’m not offended.
That’s… How I took it before reading the comments…
Yeah, if I was smoother with women, I’d have probably gone with ‘is that you trying to make weekend plans, or telling me to gtfo?’ but in a casual way so she knows I’m not offended.
To be fair, it could have just as easily been:
“You know, my shift is almost over (so I really want to pack my shit and get out of here)” to which anon had a good response.
I have been specifically and repeatedly told women at work don’t want flirting or any other interpersonal interactions. So that shit is shut completely off when in public.
And that’s absolutely true! Until the one time it’s not, and then it’s your fault for not knowing.
TBF, I normally go by “off limits unless they make an obvious move”.
Which the cashier definitely did. Of course, like the OP I wouldn’t realize it till later…
The hard part is the knowing that so called obvious move.
You can usually tell by their feet. For example, if they’re behind their head.
Hindsight is always 20:20.
Just wait patiently for the realisation that’ll pop into your head 2 years later just as you’re falling asleep .
But was it an obvious move, or did you read too much into the friendliness they’re paid to show all customers?
Without being there it’s always a guess. But putting “You know” at the front like that is pretty damn explicit. She wasn’t just making a random comment. That’s like movie trope obvious.
There are always outliers though, she could of had a brain fart, or he could have said something to make her believe he felt she was working late.
could of
could have
Both in the same sentence. I rarely bother correcting grammar these days, but it’s weird you know the correct way and also use the wrong way.
They could of had a brain fart or they could have used both cases so at least one was right; they just didn’t know which one. 🤔
Which is exactly what I did!
I’ll blame it on being on mobile ( a sin by itself) by a campfire and dog to distract me
That’s when you ask things plain and simple. One of my exes was the manager for a fast food joint and at the end of her shift, sitting at my table and kinda chatting away. At some point I simply asked her “so are we going back to your place to make sweet love after that, or what?” with my french accent on full blast. It had the desired effect of making things clear.
I wish I had had the balls to do that more often in my life!
That is 100% me. I’ve had many friends tell me someone was into me but I’m usually oblivious. I never want anyone to feel awkward or intruded upon and basically never act on such opportunities. I would love to, but my mind is usually partitioned off on a half dozen other projects, and at least one big rabbit hole of a curiosity. I have the capacity to shift my attention, but it takes someone being quite forward or otherwise remarkable in ways beyond a casual encounter or simple looks to capture my attention in a way where I might take spontaneous initiative. Basically, every girl I encounter is like my sister on a platonic level unless I have a clear indication otherwise. All my long term relationships are from social encounters with friends of friends where over time I could tell there was clear chemistry. Just saying, if you’re a girl, being direct and forward is quite effective with some of us, especially the more quiet types.
I’m 40 and married yet I still get the cringe memory of when I was 20 and a girl I knew, took me to dinner, paid, and drove me home to celebrate my new job. Years later she told me she liked me and I never made a move at the dinner date. That was when I first realized it was a date and I blew it.
I still cringe at the memory
To be fair it’s kinda her fault for not stating her intentions clearly. Sure you could argue there was supposed to be some mind reading or unspoken social cues going on but we all know that’s not obvious enough. You were both young and inexperienced.
Yep. Women are allowed to be awkward at getting what they want too.
To be fair, I’m married and frequently misunderstand my SO, and it doesn’t help that they have a different native language. For example, when they say, “we’re out of X,” I take that as informative, not a request to go get more X. But sometimes I catch on, like this morning (WFH today) when they said, “are you busy?” (or similar) and I correctly interpreted that as “I want sex.” You win some and you lose some; sometimes I’m in the dog house, and other times I’m pounding out a quickie in the middle of the day.
There is always that moment, for me its a girl who took my sunglasses home, because we were out drinking the night before, then invited me in for a beer when I went to pick it up, I was like, nah thanks had too much yesterday and left. To my defense though, I thought he had a longtime boyfriend whom I knew so I didn’t even think about her romantically, turns out they were broken up for a few months already. Well what you gonna do.
“Payed” is a nautical term, ya limp cucklet
They didn’t even use “cuck” correctly.
She dodged a bullet
Here, I’ll make a lot of you oblivious folk feel better about yourselves. I’ve been propositioned at a house sex party and I was still completely oblivious.
I once had a girl say “when am I going to get to feel that cock of yours inside of me?” and I somehow missed her intent.
I went skinny dipping with a coworker after work. The thought never crossed my mind. I thought we were just doing dumb stuff. Ten years later is when I realized that I am stupid.
I once didn’t notice a topless woman sitting on me was flirting.
Wait shit that may have happened multiple times, though the second one I think realized he was a guy a few months later.
A friend once invited me to go watch a movie with her and a couple friends. When I arrived she told me that the others couldn’t make it and she offered me a cocktail. I accepted, watched the movie (on opposite ends of the sofa) and went home. A couple months later I found out that the others were never invited.
This might be more her fault than mine, though.
I remember I was walking through a mall carrying a gift bag full of chocolates for my mom. It was one of those places that gives out those special types of gift bags so it was pretty obvious what I was carrying. I passed by one of those kiosks that sell phone cases and I heard the girl running the place call out to me. I politely waved at her and said “No, thank you.” And walked away. After I got out of the mall I realized the girl said “Oh, are those for me? You’re so nice!”
I thought she was trying to sell me something…
I can tell you from experience that there’s a 90% chance she absolutely was trying to draw you in to sell you something
The rent on those mall kiosks is insane, like ten to twenty grand a month (at least it used to be that, back when people actually went to malls). So anybody working them is going to be under intense pressure to sell shit.
I used to try to politely decline, now I just wave and say I’m not interested. If they try to change the script, “I’m not selling anything,” I just repeat myself and they get the hint. I used to feel bad, but then I realized it saves them and me some time, so I’m probably doing them a favor.
Or just bagging some free premium chocolate
audio processing disorder
That’s a keen observation (whether true or not). It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t “hard-of-hearing”… I just couldn’t always figure out what was being said (literally having difficulty processing it). So I enjoy subtitles, to say the least
But still, very astute of you
thats because i experience that also, although it is not as severe as described in the wiki article.
the biggest problem ist getting to know people, if i am not used to them, their speech sometimes is so muddled, I always wondered what was up with them, why were the speaking as they had hot potatoes in their mouth?
turned out that if i get them to know more, their speech got clearer and clearer.
well, and ten years ago, I realized It is my own odamn fault, got my autism diagnosis. also got problems with orientation (like, in a town), discalculia, mistaking left and right, not remembering the same couple of words again and again. problems with specific names (i switch up syllables, Diana turns into Adina, Jana. Nadia, Dana. stuff like that), reversing number sequences (had to quit my industry mechanic school because of this, the measurements are important…), reversing left and right
and the absolute worst was driving alone on a road, nopbody around, i come up the the intersection, and I completely forgot wich side of the road I had to use. total blank. I could not say with which hand I write.
this went on for 30 seconds, then it came back to me.
quit driving because of this. oh, and I greatly misjudged speed and distance from the other cars. I was always driving mercedes automatics with sharp brakes, and turbo power, so i could relay on my brakes to stop, and on my engine to get away. drove automatic with tempomat and gps wa always on, that left my mind free to concentrate better on traffic.
it aws a nightmare. Once i stopped driving, I quit drinking as well.
I ride my bike now.
ps; once i startd treatment with ritalin, lyrics in music became so much clearer, I misheard so many thing, I had no idea.
oh, now you mentioned subtitles:
yeah, subtitles sometimes makes the audio clearer, you dont really have to read the subtitles, just glance a bit at them, and your brain will get the right directions ;-)
I think it got better and better though - as a kid, I resorted to lie that I was deaf on one ear, sou i could get people to repeat and repeat what they just said. still didnt get it sometimes, and just said “yes”, only to be exposed as an idiot once more.
couldn not even read the clock with the 12 numbers, the round mechanical type. learned it at age 13 at the trainstation, because I absolutely had to learn it. took me months from first really trying it.
Oh, I didn’t know poor orientation could also be an autistic trait, that explains things.
yeah, you probably should read up on comorbidities of adhd and autism, there are A LOT.
these things have scary names, and are described in a severe fashion, but you have to have your eyes open for mild signs, like reversing number sequencing, or reversing left and right. forgetting always the same 15 words.
if you have lots and lots of these things, they start to really trip you up in daily life, and you are ashamed of your self all the time, or, i was.
I don’t have the same issues, but I get it. And yes, I don’t “need to read” the subtitles, but I enjoy the clarification lol
I was a “toe-walker” as a kid, some tics I had to overcome, mild prosopagnosia, adhd stuff vs autistic traits, the audio processing issues… all kinda leaving me with a bunch of social anxiety because I can’t always recognize or get to know people (who clearly remember me). I have to constantly play it off as being “aloof” or “head in the clouds”. But truly, I just have delays in a few areas and can’t always keep up with what’s being presented. And the worse it is, the worse my anxiety becomes, leading to a cyclical issue. It’s exhausting trying to “keep-up” sometimes
But ya know… fuck it. Just being aware has helped some. I still live a constantly awkward social life, but it’s just how I am. I’ve accepted a lot of it and have learned to (mostly) appreciate my “quirks”, and just be the best me that I can manage.
It’s not so much that I’m autistic, but more so that I’m simply me.
Edit: I still don’t really hear lyrics either, even with treatment. The voice is just another instrument to me (almost like a bass or a drum)…but I kinda like it, because I can always look the lyrics up and clarify… if the song slaps (aka, I’m obsessed). Every day is a new adventure lol
yeah, I hate this play pretend stuff to get out of being judged.
i recently realized that this could be masking, and i always did that, and I had completely false understanding about masking in autism.
god, I had so many awkard situations with not recognizing people… and friends and family dont believe me, because sure, i recognize them.
accepting my defects instead of being ashamed of them was very difficult. but it was the right path to go down, i am much happier then 10 years before.
Reading through the comments here makes one thing apparent again: clear and direct communication about one’s intentions can solve all of these misunderstandings. Being upfront will avoid that unnecessary “are they into me or not” over-analasys or missing such more or less subtle hints at all.
If you’re interested in someone, go for them! Tell them about your interest. It benefits you both. They’ll know, which can help in case they’re interested as well, and you’ll know what to expect whether they’re interested or not. This can also save you a lot of time, heart- and headache.
I was at a bar (with a partner at the time, who was on the dance floor) and a girl came up to me and started a conversation about her college classes and her puppetry. I though it was cool! We had a good conversation and the girl’s sister eventually pulled her away. My then partner came up and told me she was totally interested. I was like “Her? Nah, we were just talking about some cool hobby stuff!” She was totally into me apparently.
Note: My partner was not upset, she was a very sexually progressive person and even suggested I get her number. I’m a one person kinda lad though.
Sounds like she dodged a bullet there.
good one, cat
